I've been crying a lot.
I've been crying a lot and when I'm not, I feel like crying the more. I feel empty, tired and empty. I've also been obsessed about googl-ing everything about depression because I think I might be depressed.
Every depression test I take tells me I'm moderately-to-severely depressed. It means I'm depressed enough for instant therapy and antidepressants but not yet depressed for a Clinical Institution but I know better than to rely on electronic diagnosis - and that's my problem! I always know better! Why? I don't feel like committing suicide.
I don't think that's a choice - becoming suicidal. I'm too scared of dying because I have hope that the future entails light. It might be dark right now but I know it entails light, and that's what keeps me moving. It keeps helping me getting myself back up and thriving for success - my goals. But when I reach those goals... I feel empty again: LIKE IT WAS ALL FOR NOTHING!
I'm emotionally tired - really, I am! How long do I have to keep moving like nothing's wrong? How long do I have to keep lying to everyone? How long do I have to keep crying? I'm so tired but I can't stop. I can't stop searching for internal peace.
Am I really depressed or is simply the stress of medical school? Are my current feelings reconstructing memories of this emptiness I've always felt. But I'm so sure I'd always felt this emptiness. I just don't know or remember the intensity.
I feel suffocated. I really belong in a nut house! I need to to checked out! I'm so tired and incoherent.. I'm not even sure if that's the right word but it sounds about it. I don't even know what my real emotions are or how they came to be! According to Freud, I've repressed something from childhood. I'm stuck in a particular fixation and the only way to feel sane is to find out what went on that I repressed!
Wow! I'm so fucked up I'm my own therapist!
I've been crying a lot! I want it to stop!
Thursday, 11 December 2014
Thursday, 4 December 2014
Sitting on Pavements
About a few nights ago, I got in touch with an old friend of mine. We don't see each other anymore. I doubt we will ever again.
We talked for a while and ultimately, I discovered how much we had both changed. I expected the change but it didn't cushion the blow of the shock. Our little chat made me think about a lot of things I didn't want to think about.
Growing up, I've always prided myself with the truth - I always told myself the truth no matter how ugly it seemed - it's certainly one of the hardest things to do. But now, it's second nature to me.
So, of course, I knew, quite well, that I was avoiding those thoughts because I wasn't ready to face the reality of the truth. I wasn't ready to admit just how sad and not 'okay' I was... am. I wasn't ready to admit that I might actually be in a huge pit and I may not be able to get out of it. In as much as I knew the truth of the matter, I avoided it at all cost.
Trying so hard to pull up a strong barricade and drift her away from the very thing I didn't want her to know, I pulled up a front; a charade; a web of lies - a bad one at that. I think I subconsciously wanted her to ask me. I'm a master of charades - I live a lie! I'm so deep in lies, it's too late to get out. I've perfected my lies so much, I could have come up with a better one.
I wanted someone to ask me what was wrong but I wasn't ready to give the answer because it didn't just start now - I haven't been okay for a very long time. I don't think I can keep doing it! In as much as I try to convince myself that this is a phase and it will soon pass, I know it's not. Even if I was willing to answer, where do I start? I don't know how to start or where to begin.
She tried so hard to get to unveil my mask of happiness so, I divulged into the least of my worries: I started to talk about things I don't really care about; things that I wouldn't be caught dead talking about. I talked and talked till I felt so dirty and impure. I had to stop because I couldn't pull it off. I could have easily drifted off about the new books I found, or about the new movies I watched or how I got lost in the new city I moved to.
Ultimately, I don't think consciously, she broke my wall and asked me just how I was doing. I want to believe that I tried but I could have done better. My attempt was sloppy. The whole conversation, fresh in my head like it was just yesterday.
"so, how are you doing?" She asked
"I went grocery shopping the other day with a new friend - she knows Ted. Coincidence, right? Anyways, we didn't want to spend money on the bus or a taxi, so we walked. The distance from our apartment - we live in the same apartment complex - is not that much but with heavy grocery bags, it was an endless journey.
I hadn't eaten that day or the day before - it was already 4pm and it gets dark around here by then. Because I was so tired and dizzy, I dropped my grocery bags and sat, right there, on the road."
"on the road?" she laughs
"yes, right there. I dropped my bags and sat on the floor, and watched people pass me by. It was the pavement but still. And it had rained that day, so the ground was wet but I didn't care. So, that's what I'm doing now - sitting on pavements"
"Haha, you're crazy! Really though, how are you doing in school?"
"Sitting on pavements, watching everyone pass me by. That's how I'm doing. I'm just there, sitting on pavements!"
And really, that's all I'm doing. I have little will to get up. I do try to summon the little courage and walk on the will to get up, but I fall right back. I'm not okay! I'm not! I haven't been for a while. I'm certainly not okay!
I'm just wallowing in a pool of self-doubt, pity and loneliness!
I am definitely not okay but I know that's okay. I just don't know how long I have to go on being 'not okay' before it's no longer okay.
We talked for a while and ultimately, I discovered how much we had both changed. I expected the change but it didn't cushion the blow of the shock. Our little chat made me think about a lot of things I didn't want to think about.
Growing up, I've always prided myself with the truth - I always told myself the truth no matter how ugly it seemed - it's certainly one of the hardest things to do. But now, it's second nature to me.
So, of course, I knew, quite well, that I was avoiding those thoughts because I wasn't ready to face the reality of the truth. I wasn't ready to admit just how sad and not 'okay' I was... am. I wasn't ready to admit that I might actually be in a huge pit and I may not be able to get out of it. In as much as I knew the truth of the matter, I avoided it at all cost.
Trying so hard to pull up a strong barricade and drift her away from the very thing I didn't want her to know, I pulled up a front; a charade; a web of lies - a bad one at that. I think I subconsciously wanted her to ask me. I'm a master of charades - I live a lie! I'm so deep in lies, it's too late to get out. I've perfected my lies so much, I could have come up with a better one.
I wanted someone to ask me what was wrong but I wasn't ready to give the answer because it didn't just start now - I haven't been okay for a very long time. I don't think I can keep doing it! In as much as I try to convince myself that this is a phase and it will soon pass, I know it's not. Even if I was willing to answer, where do I start? I don't know how to start or where to begin.
She tried so hard to get to unveil my mask of happiness so, I divulged into the least of my worries: I started to talk about things I don't really care about; things that I wouldn't be caught dead talking about. I talked and talked till I felt so dirty and impure. I had to stop because I couldn't pull it off. I could have easily drifted off about the new books I found, or about the new movies I watched or how I got lost in the new city I moved to.
Ultimately, I don't think consciously, she broke my wall and asked me just how I was doing. I want to believe that I tried but I could have done better. My attempt was sloppy. The whole conversation, fresh in my head like it was just yesterday.
"so, how are you doing?" She asked
"I went grocery shopping the other day with a new friend - she knows Ted. Coincidence, right? Anyways, we didn't want to spend money on the bus or a taxi, so we walked. The distance from our apartment - we live in the same apartment complex - is not that much but with heavy grocery bags, it was an endless journey.
I hadn't eaten that day or the day before - it was already 4pm and it gets dark around here by then. Because I was so tired and dizzy, I dropped my grocery bags and sat, right there, on the road."
"on the road?" she laughs
"yes, right there. I dropped my bags and sat on the floor, and watched people pass me by. It was the pavement but still. And it had rained that day, so the ground was wet but I didn't care. So, that's what I'm doing now - sitting on pavements"
"Haha, you're crazy! Really though, how are you doing in school?"
"Sitting on pavements, watching everyone pass me by. That's how I'm doing. I'm just there, sitting on pavements!"
And really, that's all I'm doing. I have little will to get up. I do try to summon the little courage and walk on the will to get up, but I fall right back. I'm not okay! I'm not! I haven't been for a while. I'm certainly not okay!
I'm just wallowing in a pool of self-doubt, pity and loneliness!
I am definitely not okay but I know that's okay. I just don't know how long I have to go on being 'not okay' before it's no longer okay.
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