Tears

I've been crying a lot.

I've been crying a lot and when I'm not, I feel like crying the more. I feel empty, tired and empty. I've also been obsessed about googl-ing everything about depression because I think I might be depressed.

Every depression test I take tells me I'm moderately-to-severely depressed. It means I'm depressed enough for instant therapy and antidepressants but not yet depressed for a Clinical Institution but I know better than to rely on electronic diagnosis - and that's my problem! I always know better! Why? I don't feel like committing suicide.

I don't think that's a choice - becoming suicidal. I'm too scared of dying because I have hope that the future entails light. It might be dark right now but I know it entails light, and that's what keeps me moving. It keeps helping me getting myself back up and thriving for success - my goals. But when I reach those goals... I feel empty again: LIKE IT WAS ALL FOR NOTHING!

I'm emotionally tired - really, I am! How long do I have to keep moving like nothing's wrong? How long do I have to keep lying to everyone? How long do I have to keep crying? I'm so tired but I can't stop. I can't stop searching for internal peace.

Am I really depressed or is simply the stress of medical school? Are my current feelings reconstructing memories of this emptiness I've always felt. But I'm so sure I'd always felt this emptiness. I just don't know or remember the intensity.

I feel suffocated. I really belong in a nut house! I need to to checked out! I'm so tired and incoherent.. I'm not even sure if that's the right word but it sounds about it. I don't even know what my real emotions are or how they came to be! According to Freud, I've repressed something from childhood. I'm stuck in a particular fixation and the only way to feel sane is to find out what went on that I repressed!

Wow! I'm so fucked up I'm my own therapist!

I've been crying a lot! I want it to stop!